Just the other day, my brother said to my mother, in the middle of a conversation, about me (as if I wasn’t there, as usual), “Are you telling me she doesn’t live in her own little world?” At the time, I replied, “I DO NOT live in my own little world.” But now that I’ve had some time to think about it, I’ve changed my mind. Actually, I do live in my own little world. And I don’t think that’s a bad thing.
At twenty-two years old, I’ve finally started to perceive the world. I’m not sure what changed in the last year, but it’s like all of a sudden, I care. I care about the situation of the world, about what happens, about society, justice and equality. I’ve started to realize, ironically, that the world goes beyond what I can see and feel and think and imagine, that there’s so much happening out there that I can’t even imagine. But I’ve started to notice. To get myself involved — physically, mentally, emotionally — with the world. I feel enraged about some social situations in realities that aren’t mine. Enraged, like kicking and screaming. I feel passionate about causes that aren’t mine, I love things I don’t know and I hate things I can’t imagine. And it’s overwhelming — not necessarily in the bad sense of the world.
If I stop to think about some things, I’ll feel them deep and personally, even if they couldn’t concern me less. Like, a while ago, I read an article about children being killed as witches in Nigeria. Children. Witches. It made me so, so angry I cried. It made me anguished and confused, and, my God, it’s 2010, how can people still be killed like that? I thought the inquisition was over for centuries. But it’s not. We still live, if we really think about it, in a state of world inquisition, with every prejudice, all the ignorance, all the hate.
The truth is, I don’t think I’m ready for this world. I think it’s all a process of growing up, of finding your place, of learning to deal with the world without taking it all as your own. I don’t want to be a little goldfish thrown to the sharks. I need time to observe the world and plan my approach. I want to learn to swim, and dive, and put on a big scary face before I have to deal with everything the world brings with it. I’m stepping into it, you know? A step at the time. I take a peak, process what I see, then go back to my own place. My own little world.
You must be thinking: “What’s your world like, then?” My world is colorful. I love colors and they bring me happiness. There are a lot of books in it, too, because, to me, they’re the best escape from reality. I may not be ready for the real world out there, but I sure enjoy getting out of my own world to visit other people’s worlds. Characters. Stories. Magic. TV shows are in my world for the very same reason. And friends. I don’t think I would have included friends in my world a couple years ago, but now they’re a great part of my life. I’ve finally gathered the courage to share myself with the world outside — or, maybe, to bring people into my world — and I like that feeling.
The most important thing about my world, though, is that I believe in happy endings. I’ve seen enough of real life to know that it doesn’t happen for everyone. Maybe it doesn’t happen to most people. I’ve seen there’s pain out there, unbearable, inconceivable, unbelievable. I believe, and I truly, really do, that after everything, hopefully in this life (but maybe in the next), there’s a happy ending for everyone. There’s a purpose, something that makes it all, all the tears, all the pain, all the burdens, worth living.
As I grow and time passes, I’ll most likely step out of my world. And, someday, I’m going to stay out there. For a couple of days at first, then weeks, then months, then years. Maybe I’ll never return. But I hope as this happens, that I can bring my world — or part of it, anyway — with me, and it’ll make me see the world with a better light and give me courage to face it.
And I’ll keep the happy ending. That one is going with me no matter where I am.
What about you? Do you live in your own little world or are you all grown up facing the world out there?
